Tuesday, May 17, 2005

i won't let another minute go to waste...

i hate binges that's how i can sum up today...blah i don't even feel like typing but i am just because it's burning cals...yeah i'm going to go do some major exercise


Monday, May 16, 2005

pussy at work..

ugh sometimes people can be so annoying. this stupid kid at work is like really lazy and like he complained to his mom about how i didn't want to mop and sweep because aparently i have a bad back. yeah whatever..i didn't sweep and mop because i was counting the money and doing other chores that his lazy ass was too lazy to do. so that family is pissed at me because they are lazy bums. even my boss said he is liek her worst employee and if it wasn't for his mom working there, he'd be fired. but yeah just wanted to vent all that out.

so today weighed in at 147.6 slow but steadily working my way down. i'm in no rush just as long as i get there motivation in tact. but yeah i just did some exercises and think i still have to do more because i feel like a fucking cow. all i had today was 3 of these cheese ball things. so who knows how bad those were for me, ugh i don't even want to know. anyways i'm getting to where i want to be and nothing is going to stop me.

haha for my huge essay in english i'm going to write about eating disorders. no one will suspect a thing, it will be great. all that stuff will be a load of bull crap anyways, but most likely i'll get an a. as usual. anywho i'm really tired and have more fun stuff to do..so that's all for now

*one of life's greatest mysteries is how a 2 lb bag of cookies can make a woman gain 5 lbs*

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Just one of those days before monday...

oh what a great day today was..not i worked 6 hours...was a total zombie and probly bitch to all my customers. i got one of my fellow workers pissed off at me because he can't take a joke. and i'm dead tired but can't fall asleep cuz i have so much homework to do.

so good news. all i've eaten today was half a pretzel and a piece of chicken. i am getting ready to do my exercises as i type this out. this morning when i woke up i had lost another pound...grand total: 148.6 yes horrible i know..but that's what happens when your parents find out about your secret...ugh i still feel so stupid about that..but i payed the price and now i am learning to be much much more sneakier and careful so as not to make anyone suspicious. and if anyone is suspicious oh well...as long as they aren't saying anything i'm all good.

i am so motivated right now i could run a 30 mile marathon! lol i don't need food. just water and air. no one understands and it doesn't matter to me...because i don't need anyone else. just me and ana. i don't know how i could make it through any day without her..she is my life.

well i have to go get some major stuff done...so that's all for now
-like a plant surely i can learn to exist off simply water and air-

Saturday, May 14, 2005

pretzel balls..

so today was my first "8-er" as in 8 hour shift at work..how i survived i have no idea. all i know is that in the morning i ate about 10 strawberries because i kept shaking and i couldn't walk and all this stuff, kinda scary. anywho then i had about 3 fiber pills that start with an m..forgot what they were called tho (metamucil?) then i worked and worked..boss made me eat (ick) i took my pretzel to the food court and only ate half, threw the rest away. then i went shopping during the rest of my break..a reward for losing 4 lbs! i got shorts and tank and a bra at victoria's secret (woowoo) then i went back to work and at around 6 was forced to have another pretzel by my boss (i seriously wanted to throw it up...) what is up with that? if i say i'm not hungry, i'm not hungry! so again i only ate half then threw the rest out. so my totals for today are one pretzel and about 10 strawberries, oh yeah and i had 3 wheatable crackers. i did fairly well today..great job resisting the temptation to eat all of both pretzels. go me!

well yeah i am like dead tired so i'm gonna go to bed...work at noon to 6 tomorrow (ugh)...when am i going to have time to do my essay? ick anyways off to weigh myself (fingers crossed) then to bed

-of course it is hard...if it were easy, everyone would be thin-

Friday, May 13, 2005

friday the 13th oh no..

god i hate friday the 13th's...don't know why but something terrible always happens! that's why i've decided to stay in and spend the entire day exercising. i woke up at noon and watched my soap opera. then i had 5 strawberries cut up. after that i did my normal routine alternating from 100 jumping jacks to running in place for 100 counts to 500. then i relaxed and watched some tv and then i have 5 more strawberries. then i did another 500 of jumping jacks/running in place. now i'm just writing it all in here. i've lost 2 lbs since yesterday! yay! i'm just going to stay away from the kitchen so as not to have a huge binge ick...if i must eat i will have 5 more strawberries but nothing else. but yeah anyways i'll probly just watch movies and exercise tonight. i never feel like going out anymore because i can't wear any cute clothes because of how fat i am. that's why i must work harder. i'm going to be the best! no more being the 'fat one' of my group. everyone will be amazed of how great i'll look. and i'll wear a teeny tiny bikini and everyone will be jealous. yeah! the only one that can prevent this from happening is me..and i'm in no condition to give up, i will become thinner than i was before! haha to all the people who tried to 'help'..i know they were just jealous of how great i looked. there is always someone who wants to sabotage you but don't let them stop you! i won't let anyone stop me. not now, not ever


Thursday, May 12, 2005

Can't wait for summer..

ugh i am so sick of school and all the drama. so there is this guy i like, maybe used to like, i actually can't tell what my feelings for him are anymore. so things were going great between us and we hung out and talked all the time. then one of my ex friends decides to start stealing him away from me. i put up a fight, but she won. it showed me how big of a jerk this guy was. well then they break up and we start talking again. then out of nowhere he asks this other girl out and now they've been dating for god knows how long..ugh it just bothers me! what is wrong with guys?

but yeah anyways today i have been doing really well...only eating half a bag of pocorn which equals around 50 calories. i have had two fruit 2 O's and a glass of water aswell. i did some pilates already today but still have to do my other routines. idk i wish i could just tell people about me so it would be out in the open, but i can't because they would see it as a huge problem that needs to be fixed. it's not a problem...it's my solution to the problem i have with me being a fat cow.

so i came home early from school today, just can't stand it anymore. i don't want to be there, and my friends and teachers don't want to be there either. i have work tonight from 4-9 which will be right during any time i usually would eat. i just have to not take any break and not eat any of the pretzels if things get boring. i have to tape the oc and apprentice...really sucks that i'll miss those shows, but hey i get my pay check today! i can't believe i've been working for 3 weeks already. i'm not really having a lot of fun because i can't stand 3 people that i work with. and then this guy like stares at me the whole time which is really annoying. but anyways at least i'm getting payed and i really could use the extra spending money. i've been saving all my lunch money that my dad gives me each week and i have like 100 bucks saved up so far. there are only like 4 weeks left of school though, but still that will be 40 more dollars. i love it! and my parents somehow trust me again so they don't realize i'm not eating lunch and anyways i'm so much better at hiding it from everyone. no one knows..it's a good thing too. i've learned from all my mistakes and have become very good at keeping my secret mine alone. ony anyone reading this would know..but they don't know who i am and anyways i'm sure no one is even reading it. if you are that's kind of neat ya know?

anyways i'll be writing later
-in this game that we choose
to win you must lose-

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

my introduction

i just created this blog so i have a place to release all the thoughts inside my head..if you are reading this, cool. i don't really want anyone who knows me to know my secret so i'm withholding my name. no i'm not embarassed by my secret, i just don't want people to think they need to help me recover because honestly i just don't want to. i am having a good time doing what i do..by now you are thinking what the hell is this girl talking about (that is if you are reading this) and my secret is: i have a friend named ana...some days she is not there to help me but most days she gives me the strength and motivation to keep going. we have been friends for only a year...but she helped me to lose 24 pounds...she made me happy for once in my life! but then my parents found out and sent me to a treatment/recovery center...you have no idea how angry i was, it was pretty bad. at the treatment place i gained back 16 pounds and felt awful. it's been 2 months since i've come home and i can't stand the weight anymore so i'm going back to my old ways. this time i am going to be more careful in hiding it...i am strong and i can do this! no one understands what i go through everyday, and they especially don't understand how i feel when i look in a mirror. there is too much fat..it needs to go away now. summer is coming and i am going to get back to the way i used to be and even thinner. if you are reading this please don't tell me what i am doing is wrong...because one you are probly just jealous and two in my opinion it is not wrong...ana is my life and nothing will change it.

well that is all for now..but there will definately be more to come
-one day i will be thin enough. just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. just the pure clear shape of me, bones. that is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. strip it away, use it up.-